Beaten

At some point you wake up and realize that you have effectively cut off your feelings for so long that you have nothing and no one left. For me that day has come several times in the past few years and I really don't know how to break the pattern. I am friendly. I don't know anyone who would say I wasn't except for the crazy people around me. I talk to people and I make intelligent conversation. Why is it then that when I need someone I am all alone.

I think it has to do with having to cut off my natural feelings towards my mother and several family members at a very young age. When I say "have" to cut them off it was simply a natural reaction to being so hurt and confused when they left me. My mother left me mentally and over the last many years physically during so many times when I needed her. I learned from those moments that I had only myself to count on and that if I got too close to her I would get burned. My father was so bewildered and angry during the first several years that he wasn't available emotionally. At one point I remember attending family counseling, I was 19 and pregnant, and the counselor proceeded to blame all the family issues on me. I remember sitting there hating my mother, father, and brother for letting her blame me. Even then I knew I wasn't the only reason for the stress in my family.

Before that her family wrote me and mine off for about 10 years. It was hard for me to know I had a family out there who wanted nothing to do with me and that it was no fault of my own. Top that off with an uncle who turned out to be a little too touchy feely, and now I have a favorite aunt who doesn't want to be around me. Long story short I have a whole family out there who I have little or no connection with and generally don't miss because I am so used to them being gone.

When I look back at this I see why it is that I don't form lasting relationships and that my core is deeply rooted in those I can trust.  At this point the only family members I have who haven't dropped me are Daddy D and Caity Bug. Cheer Diva has beaten me down to the point where I am literally afraid to talk to her about anything because it will cause a major meltdown. Right now I just don't know if I have the energy for another loss and I want so bad to be a good mother. Unfortunately everything I do to achieve that goal just seems to cause another argument. I know she is a teenager and hopefully will grow out of this but I hope that it doesn't become a long term issue and cause me to lose my daughter. I honestly don't trust Cheer Diva enough to let her in too much. She uses my weaknesses against me and then beats me with them until I had never let her in.

Feeling alone in this

I guess I was hoping for a little support or even a little kindness from my family but all in all they just don't give a damn. Daddy D is of course being supportive but everyone else is just letting me down. I know it isn't every day that you officially stop talking to your mother but come on people. This isn't the mother who is supportive and loving this is the mother who has beaten me down every step of the way. Maybe 25 years ago she was that Hallmark mother everyone wants but for the last 20 she has been the Lifetime Channel's mother from hell.

Seriously I didn't expect much from anyone just a little "its ok" and "just give it some time." But NO! I get a 2 minute conversation with my brother in which he states he doesn't want to be in the drama and wants to know why we just can't get along. My father just tells me to let it go and ignore her hateful comments. Then today when I asked him if she was attending Thanksgiving he told me yes because the kids had asked her too. Then he proceeds to tell me to be nice to her.

What the hell does he think I have been doing for the last 20 years. Bending over backwards to get her the care she needs and making room for her in my family anytime she is too much to handle. Yeah that me the mean as bitch of the year who isn't NICE to her mother. ARGH!!! Some days I just wonder when is it going to be my turn for her to be nice to me.

Mental Health (or lack thereof)

About two months ago I went home to spend some time with my parents. I was hoping for a nice fun weekend of going to the church picnic and hanging out laughing around the TV. Unfortunately since my mother lost her mind years ago she tends to drag the event down. It seems like everytime we spend more than a few minutes in a room together she wants to start discussing her mental health (or lack thereof). Honestly I just want a mother I can have coffee with and talk about my kids or my brother. I don't feel the need or want to have a therapy session with her every time we visit.

This night in particular ended with her telling me I needed to go to school to get a psychology degree so that I can better understand her. All this because I told her I had no interest in listening to her relive her childhood one painful event at a time. Last time she started that shit I found out she has a person in her head named Edgar who tells her all the negatives. Anyway I wound up going to bed early and haven't spoken with her since.

Am I wrong to value my own sanity enough that I don't want to relive her childhood horror? I know her life sucked I know she was abused mentally, physically, and sexually and I know her life was a living hell of drunken parents, guns, and beatings. Why do I need to have her walk me through every event and its effect on her life? I honestly hate her visiting because she brings everyone down with her pissy attitude and need to control. At this point I am dreading Thanksgiving because she will come down and sit, do nothing, pout, and then leave in a bad mood.

Of course I am used to all of this but my children have been shielded from the majority of her depression thanks to the military keeping us far far away. Now she has joined Facebook and all hell has broken lose. Cheer Diva is getting berated every time she posts something my mother doesn't like. It is so ridiculous that Cheer Diva deleted her from Facebook and my mother went off. That is when I put my foot down and told her to stop forcing her pain on us and driving everyone away. I am DONE!

Who the hell does my mother think she is getting on Facebook and berating my child and a friend for their teenage posts. Seriously that is my job. If I honestly dislike something that gets posted enough to have to say something about it I will. Generally I do and I don't hold back. I let Cheer Diva know all the time when I feel she has crossed the line and what I want done about it.But I also remember that she is sixteen and clueless about things. When I know she posted something stupid not even thinking about it and without evil intent I don't fuss. I always make her remove posts I find inapropriate and I make damn sure she knows why.

I sent her an email saying as much and she replied with: As usual it's all about what I have done wrong. If you want an apology here it is I'm sorry I ever existed.

Seriously does that sound adult to you? I told her to grow up and call me when she was ready to act like my mother.