Thursday, January 10, 2013


Well Daddy D is finally coming home. He is coming home to a house that is only partly whole and a wife who has not only changed physically but mentally as well. Cheer Diva has officially refused to come home and we are working the legal angles to allow her to stay at her grandparents but they need Daddy D’s signature to finalize it all. Bug is doing well, actually she is probably doing better since her sister is not here to make her miserable.
I don’t really know how I am. Maybe when he gets back he can take a look at me objectively and tell me. Right now I am excited he is coming home, excited that I have officially lost 60lbs, numb from the pain of my daughter moving out, and a whole lot more that is hard to explain. I kind of want him to come home and take it all away but at the same time I would feel really guilty dumping it all on him after a deployment. Maybe I will just dump the cat litter duties and the trash duties on him for now J

Monday, January 7, 2013


Over the last several months Cheer Diva and I have been fighting a lot. This has progressed from the normal teen attitude issues to just downright horrid. I have had to pick her up from a drunken party when the police busted it and I have had to spend a morning at the clinic awaiting the results of a pregnancy test. Top that off with her choking herself to numb her pain and I am just emotionally drained. Most recently the school suspended her from the cheer team due to drinking underage and when I had to pick her up from school that afternoon things went from bad to worse. She came home and threw things across the house, slammed doors, and punched a box. I literally saw red at that point and in the end I told her to pack her things. She immediately called her grandparents and they came to pick her up against my wishes. I had intended to take her to the local mental health facility but as soon as she told my dad she would run away if he didn't come he came running. 

I dont know how to describe the pain of having a child who willingly choses to leave your home. I don't how to describe the added pain that is involved when your own parents show up to support it. I can't begin to describe the frustration of trying to explain to a child that leaving will rip an irreparable hole in the family. I can't describe how hard it is to hear that your child is willing to rip the family to shreds in order to make herself happy. That she is aware things will never be the same and that we will most likely lose any relationship we have ever had. I can't explain how it feels to have to tell your younger child that her sister doesn't want to live here anymore. I really can't explain how to do all this with your husband in a war zone unable to communicate with you on a regular basis.

All I can say is I feel dead inside. I am completely conflicted about what to do. I am furious with my parents for enabling my child to pick up and leave while knowing that I did not support that decision. I am more furious that my husband has had to threaten to bring in the legal system for them to return her. Their lack of understanding that my husband is on another continent and that we can't communicate and therefore our feelings may not be 100% in alignment. I didn't think anything could rip my relationship with my mother and father any more than her mental health already has but this has done damage that we may never survive. Knowing that the two people who are supposed to love and support you more than anything in the world feel you are a bad parent and feel they have the right to take your child from you is like being gutted. 

I am unwilling to drag my parents into court over this but have made it clear that I want her returned. I did however break down last night after hours of grueling comments and tell Cheer Diva that I could not physically make her return and I would transfer her school records. Of course hours later her father ordered her home via a Facebook discussion and I respect his decision. He is legally her father and has the right. I feel the same way however I am so emotionally drained at this point that I don't have it in me to fight any longer. Knowing that the child you have fought, cried, and bled for hates you is so painful I don't know how I will survive. I know that no part of me will ever feel whole without her in my life. I can't believe I am facing one of the best days of an Army wife's life, the homecoming, and I am terrified to go pick my husband up because he will know when he sees me that I am not whole. I don't even know if he will be able to love me if I have ruined this family while he is gone. 

I sought guidance from my therapist and Cheer Diva's therapist and neither felt that I needed in patient care, they felt I needed to come in on a regular basis for out patient care. They did feel it was possible she needed in patient care and felt that my parents should not have enabled her to leave and continue to stay with them. Cheer Diva's therapist also agreed to mediate family therapy in order for us to learn to communicate better. Of course she feels this is a waste of time and is refusing to participate. I am taking a few days off work in order to get a grip on my depression and get my feet back under myself. 

I guess my question is when do you give up? When do you walk away? Can you ever walk away? Will the pain ever end if I have to? Will my marriage and my younger child survive this? Will my heart survive this pain?

And NO I am not suicidal. Even though that might be easier than feeling this pain I would never leave my children without a mother or my husband without a wife intentionally.