Thursday, January 10, 2013


Well Daddy D is finally coming home. He is coming home to a house that is only partly whole and a wife who has not only changed physically but mentally as well. Cheer Diva has officially refused to come home and we are working the legal angles to allow her to stay at her grandparents but they need Daddy D’s signature to finalize it all. Bug is doing well, actually she is probably doing better since her sister is not here to make her miserable.
I don’t really know how I am. Maybe when he gets back he can take a look at me objectively and tell me. Right now I am excited he is coming home, excited that I have officially lost 60lbs, numb from the pain of my daughter moving out, and a whole lot more that is hard to explain. I kind of want him to come home and take it all away but at the same time I would feel really guilty dumping it all on him after a deployment. Maybe I will just dump the cat litter duties and the trash duties on him for now J

Monday, January 7, 2013


Over the last several months Cheer Diva and I have been fighting a lot. This has progressed from the normal teen attitude issues to just downright horrid. I have had to pick her up from a drunken party when the police busted it and I have had to spend a morning at the clinic awaiting the results of a pregnancy test. Top that off with her choking herself to numb her pain and I am just emotionally drained. Most recently the school suspended her from the cheer team due to drinking underage and when I had to pick her up from school that afternoon things went from bad to worse. She came home and threw things across the house, slammed doors, and punched a box. I literally saw red at that point and in the end I told her to pack her things. She immediately called her grandparents and they came to pick her up against my wishes. I had intended to take her to the local mental health facility but as soon as she told my dad she would run away if he didn't come he came running. 

I dont know how to describe the pain of having a child who willingly choses to leave your home. I don't how to describe the added pain that is involved when your own parents show up to support it. I can't begin to describe the frustration of trying to explain to a child that leaving will rip an irreparable hole in the family. I can't describe how hard it is to hear that your child is willing to rip the family to shreds in order to make herself happy. That she is aware things will never be the same and that we will most likely lose any relationship we have ever had. I can't explain how it feels to have to tell your younger child that her sister doesn't want to live here anymore. I really can't explain how to do all this with your husband in a war zone unable to communicate with you on a regular basis.

All I can say is I feel dead inside. I am completely conflicted about what to do. I am furious with my parents for enabling my child to pick up and leave while knowing that I did not support that decision. I am more furious that my husband has had to threaten to bring in the legal system for them to return her. Their lack of understanding that my husband is on another continent and that we can't communicate and therefore our feelings may not be 100% in alignment. I didn't think anything could rip my relationship with my mother and father any more than her mental health already has but this has done damage that we may never survive. Knowing that the two people who are supposed to love and support you more than anything in the world feel you are a bad parent and feel they have the right to take your child from you is like being gutted. 

I am unwilling to drag my parents into court over this but have made it clear that I want her returned. I did however break down last night after hours of grueling comments and tell Cheer Diva that I could not physically make her return and I would transfer her school records. Of course hours later her father ordered her home via a Facebook discussion and I respect his decision. He is legally her father and has the right. I feel the same way however I am so emotionally drained at this point that I don't have it in me to fight any longer. Knowing that the child you have fought, cried, and bled for hates you is so painful I don't know how I will survive. I know that no part of me will ever feel whole without her in my life. I can't believe I am facing one of the best days of an Army wife's life, the homecoming, and I am terrified to go pick my husband up because he will know when he sees me that I am not whole. I don't even know if he will be able to love me if I have ruined this family while he is gone. 

I sought guidance from my therapist and Cheer Diva's therapist and neither felt that I needed in patient care, they felt I needed to come in on a regular basis for out patient care. They did feel it was possible she needed in patient care and felt that my parents should not have enabled her to leave and continue to stay with them. Cheer Diva's therapist also agreed to mediate family therapy in order for us to learn to communicate better. Of course she feels this is a waste of time and is refusing to participate. I am taking a few days off work in order to get a grip on my depression and get my feet back under myself. 

I guess my question is when do you give up? When do you walk away? Can you ever walk away? Will the pain ever end if I have to? Will my marriage and my younger child survive this? Will my heart survive this pain?

And NO I am not suicidal. Even though that might be easier than feeling this pain I would never leave my children without a mother or my husband without a wife intentionally.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Checking in

Well as of Monday I have lost a total of 30lbs in 6 weeks thanks to my surgery. I know this is a blessing and even though I am still getting used to some of the restrictions I am in no way wishing I hadn't had it. I feel better all around and am thrilled to be able to do things I couldn't do before.

Things have been a little crazy around the home with Cheer Diva and her drama but I promise to drop in soon and update you on all the fun!

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Seeing the difference

Down 26lbs and finally seeing a difference. I think it is about time to start looking for new bra's and undies. I have purchased three new pair of pants and a new dress all of which are in considerably smaller sizes than before. I am taking more time making myself presentable and I can finally wear my wedding band again!

I am sooooooo excited!!!!

Cheer Diva and Bug are dealing well with all the changes and things have been going smooth. Here's to me crossing my fingers it will stay that way. LOL

Monday, August 27, 2012

12 seconds later I woke up in pain

On the day of my surgery I woke up and was ready to go. I only had one thing I wanted to tell the Dr and that was to remind him I have hypertrophic scars and would like him to take extra care when closing my incisions.  I had been nervous for the several days prior to the surgery and was freaking out about all the bad things I kept reading on the internet. But the morning of I was calm as a cucumber silently waiting my turn and my chance to speak with the Dr.
They started an IV changed me out of my clothes and took my medical history for the zillionth time until finally I was rolled off to the surgery suite. I am pretty sure they need to rethink their hallways because I could have gotten lost on the 10 minute ride down to surgery.  Fortunately for me though I wound up in the right spot and had no issues. The anesthesiologist came in and talked to me for a few seconds and then they had me slide on to the O.R. table. I settled down moved my arms as asked and began waiting for the Dr to tell him about my incisions. 12 seconds later I woke up in pain. LMAO
In reality the anesthesiologist had no idea I wanted to speak with the Dr and knocked me out without me knowing a thing. I woke up several hours later in recovery and man was I sore. The first demands I had were water and pain relief. My first waking thought was holy shit what have I done to myself. This was a huge mistake. I woke up again several hours later in much less pain and a LOT less stress. My father came back to speak with me and take all my junk to my room and then I woke up a while later.
Notice I did a lot of waking up! LOL I also did a lot of sleeping that day. The rest of the time was spent doing the mandatory walking and breathing. Oh yeah and needing to pee but I was begging for water and that was making it difficult. Anyway TMI and long story short I spent the rest of my time in the bathroom. Cheer Diva and Bug came to visit that night and we had a short talk before they went home again. I then proceeded to be poked and prodded and walked multiple times during the night.
The next day, no matter how I felt I was getting out of the hospital and going home. On the upside I felt pretty good and I was keeping down what they gave me to munch on. Liquids were all I was allowed for the first week but unlike others I had no issues sipping them all day. The Dr was nice and released me so I was home by the end of the day.

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Well mostly normal

Well tomorrow will be 15 days since my surgery and I am back to feeling normal. Well mostly normal.

I have lost 20lbs already and I am thrilled. No setbacks of any kind so far and I am actually able to handle food. As of now I am a week ahead of the timeline on being able to eat things which is wonderful and scary at the same time. I am almost scared that being able to eat and not having too many issues might lead me to be able to continue eating badly. But I am thrilled because it means I won't have to completely give up every food I have ever loved. There are going to be things I won't be able to eat because they will make me sick so I know I won't be able to eat everything I did before.

Soon I will write and give you a run down of the time right after surgery but for now I will just say this has been a beautiful and scary ride. I will come back soon to update you.

Thursday, August 9, 2012


In my last post I said “most people feel that having surgery to lose weight is just being lazy.” Honestly in some ways they are right. I could have spent my entire life eating right and exercising every day and maintained a healthy body weight from the beginning. I could stop all this surgery nonsense now and spend the rest of my life on the same diet rollercoaster I have been on for years. I could dedicate myself an exercise routine and beat my body into submission.
On the other hand I could face reality and realize that I wasn’t raised with meals that were well balanced. I was taught to clean my plate by loving parents who both suffered with obesity. They didn’t mean any harm and never intended to cause me pain. Even with exercise I spent years teetering on the edge of being a little overweight. I remember being asked if I was pregnant in high school! I was 5’2” and maybe 120lbs and I felt huge.
I have failed at so many diets because there is nothing to stop me from cheating. Eventually I will break down and break the rules. Once I do that it is a downhill slide from there into weight gain. Don’t get me wrong this surgery won’t keep me from cheating. In fact there are tons of ways I can cheat the surgery and make the whole thing useless. But from past experience I fail due to portion size not due to poor choices.
This surgery makes it difficult to eat large portions. I could eat those large amounts but they would probably make me sick or cause me pain. I could fall off the wagon and eat a gallon of ice cream but it wouldn’t be pleasant. I could cheat the system and eat things that are really bad for me in small doses but I would really have to work at it. LOL
All in all I am looking for a tool to help me help myself. I am looking for something that will help me learn when to say no and will let me know when I am doing bad. I am going to use this tool to help myself, and to be able to be a bigger part of my children’s lives. I want to be there for their events and not be miserable. I want to make better decisions to help them make better decisions. Last but not least I want them to see that you don’t have to settle for failure. You can get off your butt and do the work to make your life better. Maybe other people wont understand the how or the why of the situation but it is still essential to do what is best for your health and your family.
Lazy? Maybe I am but I can guarantee you that I have spent hours trying not to have this surgery done. I have also busted my butt getting all the clearances done, dieting, and learning everything I can about how my life will change. It is more work than I have ever done for anything and I refuse to feel lazy when I have worked so hard to make myself healthy again.