At some point you wake up and realize that you have effectively cut off your feelings for so long that you have nothing and no one left. For me that day has come several times in the past few years and I really don't know how to break the pattern. I am friendly. I don't know anyone who would say I wasn't except for the crazy people around me. I talk to people and I make intelligent conversation. Why is it then that when I need someone I am all alone.
I think it has to do with having to cut off my natural feelings towards my mother and several family members at a very young age. When I say "have" to cut them off it was simply a natural reaction to being so hurt and confused when they left me. My mother left me mentally and over the last many years physically during so many times when I needed her. I learned from those moments that I had only myself to count on and that if I got too close to her I would get burned. My father was so bewildered and angry during the first several years that he wasn't available emotionally. At one point I remember attending family counseling, I was 19 and pregnant, and the counselor proceeded to blame all the family issues on me. I remember sitting there hating my mother, father, and brother for letting her blame me. Even then I knew I wasn't the only reason for the stress in my family.
Before that her family wrote me and mine off for about 10 years. It was hard for me to know I had a family out there who wanted nothing to do with me and that it was no fault of my own. Top that off with an uncle who turned out to be a little too touchy feely, and now I have a favorite aunt who doesn't want to be around me. Long story short I have a whole family out there who I have little or no connection with and generally don't miss because I am so used to them being gone.
When I look back at this I see why it is that I don't form lasting relationships and that my core is deeply rooted in those I can trust. At this point the only family members I have who haven't dropped me are Daddy D and Caity Bug. Cheer Diva has beaten me down to the point where I am literally afraid to talk to her about anything because it will cause a major meltdown. Right now I just don't know if I have the energy for another loss and I want so bad to be a good mother. Unfortunately everything I do to achieve that goal just seems to cause another argument. I know she is a teenager and hopefully will grow out of this but I hope that it doesn't become a long term issue and cause me to lose my daughter. I honestly don't trust Cheer Diva enough to let her in too much. She uses my weaknesses against me and then beats me with them until I had never let her in.
This is a dangerous post to write.
3 days ago