Feeling disconnected and alone

I guess at some point in my life I thought that the people around me would understand where I am coming from and who I am. Seems odd to me now that as I look around I see two spoiled children who don't seem to care where it comes from as long as they get what they want, a husband who God help him has no clue how to show affection and to talk to me about important things, a mother who I desperately need to connect with but am sick to death of trying on, a brother who when he is sober is nice but extremely distant, and a father who only knows how to help me deal with small stuff.

I used to have a large family but around 10 years old my mothers family stopped talking to us and I no longer know or care for them the way I did because I disconnected due to the confusion of it all.  My father has two sisters who both have family but one moved away and we only see her once or twice a year, the other sister I was very close to until her husband was very inappropriate with me and then she shut me out and chose him. In a matter of about 5 years I went from having Christmas breakfast with a set of close cousins, Christmas lunch with my mothers family, and Christmas dinner with my dads family to only having Christmas breakfast with the close cousins and Christmas dinner with immediate family. Needless to say my dads sister was at both functions with her husband so it was a very uncomfortable time for me and everyone else just pretended it had never happened. 

Don't get me wrong I really try to say it doesn't bother me and that I am used to it but right now as I sit in my house surrounded by the people who are supposed to love and support me I feel alone. I have to watch everything I say around LAX Diva or we wind up in a fight, Bug has no clue about what is going on around her and generally just lives in her own little world, Daddy D tries to keep the peace but in the long run spends more time in front of the TV than talking to us. My mom is just a mess emotionally and I have consistently described conversations with her as feeling like I was" walking on eggshells" for the last 10 years. My father is great just not willing to go into anything deep and his sister my aunt who I was once extremely close with just brushed off family Thanksgiving to spend with some friends. It feels like I am in a trap and everything is just shutting down inside me.

If this weren't bad enough I am having a hard time with my boss at work. I think he is just playing around and doesn't realize that by being more of a wiseacre with me than he is with all the other staff member is sort of off putting. Pretty much I just think he thinks he can tease me mercilessly and I will just take it and it wont bother me.I am really trying to let it roll off my back but at this point it is starting to get to me.



Finally when did people get so uptight! I mean I know as well as the next person that certain things are inappropriate when said in mixed company or with people from work. IE: a sexist joke might not go over so well if you are at a church function or talking to your boss. But when you have a group of grown adults sitting around a table talking about anything and everything why are people being judged. Since when did a person have to feel so uptight about a cuss word slipping out or expressing an opinion (not a crazy opinion like the world is going to end tomorrow just a generic old opinion on lets say a hat or a litter box). Seriously I work for the military people cussing is pretty normal and opinions are normal you would think at some point people could step outside their political eggshells and just have a blessed conversation.

I don't honestly feel like I have a single person in the world I can talk to right now without having to sensor what I say or feel.